It has finally happened.

I have had to take a good, hard look at myself, my lifestyle and my mental state and make a change.

I have been so sick, with what started off as the flu and has just never fully left my body. I am going on the ninth week now and I’m officially sick of being sick.

After about the first 6 weeks the painful coughing, headaches and congestion had subsided and I felt fantastic, for about a day, then I got sick again. I know that my getting sick is all due to the amount of stress I am put under and the stress I put myself under.

The stress of raising a daughter who I am constantly worrying about; am I raising her right, will she be scarred by me leaving her father when she was only a baby, will she resent me, is the custody arrangement affecting her, why are meal times so difficult, will she be bullied, will she meet the right man, will she live a fulfilling life and so on. Any parent can understand. I stress, worry and think about her every second of my life. I know most of the things I worry about are totally irrational and I know that whatever life throws her way she will never deal with it alone. Nevertheless, the worrying and stress never subsides. It is times like this that I totally understand and appreciate my Mum and her crazy, unrelenting worry about us kids.

The stress of my very demanding job; managing 40 staff, constantly motivating, training, coaching, hiring, firing, meeting targets, conducting meetings, running reports, collating figures, it takes a toll. My job doesn’t end. EVER. I am on call all of the time, I am checking figures all of the time, I am strategically planning ALL of the time. It is mentally draining.

The stress of running a household and being a friend, councillor, motivator and lover to my partner. Making sure the clothes are washed and dried, the house is respectable, my daughter has everything ready for school, Jon is happy and stress free, trying not to bring my work frustrations home (which on some days is nearly impossible), trying to make time to maintain my friendships, worrying about our financial status, maneuvering funds around to afford bills, food, lifestyle etc. stressing about our future, trying to plan our future, do we even have a future? It is overwhelming.

I have become well aware that the way I have been living and thinking is not only very unhealthy but very detrimental to my well being and everyone else around me. I have lacked the energy most days to perform the basic of tasks. The only thing that has driven me is that I know shit needs to get done. If it wasn’t for the child, the job and the household, I probably would have lived my life from my bedroom.

I have slowly come to the realisation that this is not what I want my life to be.  Lately I have been in the presence of people that are so energetic, lively and positive. These people have not a worry or stress in the world. Most of the time I just want to punch them in the face. More so because I want to be like that. I so badly want to be that person. Happy.

This has caused me to question my life, question where I want to be, how I will get there and how I want to feel about it.

The main hindrance I have found is the ease in which I get caught up in the negativity of life. Especially turning on the TV and watching the news or even logging on Facebook. There just seems to be so much sadness, despair, horrible acts, death and drama. I have made a conscious effort as of late to switch off from all of that. Mainly because I tend to take the negative feelings on. I can feel terrible for days about something that has happened to someone I don’t even know; in a place I have never been to. I guess it is not a bad trait but these feelings of dread, grief and sadness are not serving me. For someone who has been plagued with anxiety for a long time, any negative thought or experience, my experience or someone else’s, tends to manifest into the biggest drama ever known in my own mind.

I am even at the point of slowly eliminating toxic and negative people from my life. If I want to change my views, my mindset and my life, not only for my benefit but for those around me, I need to look after ME, my well being and my mental state.

Being a mum, a partner, a boss, a friend and a councillor takes up so much energy, physically, emotionally and mentally. So if I can’t be all those things and also be focused, energetic and positive, everything will eventually come crashing down. I know this is something so many of you can relate to. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed at times, under so much stress that the only solution to get through it is to just pack your shit and run away.

If you have had that thought process trust me, you are not alone. I strongly believe it starts and ends with you. You need to understand and appreciate what you are doing, how you are enriching the lives of those around you and how much they need you. But this in no way means that you should forget about yourself.

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself ‘what do I want?’

We all get so caught up in what everybody around us needs and wants that we tend to forget about ourselves. We slowly lose who we are and put ourselves at the end of the queue. We are no longer a real person with hopes and dreams. We become the train that takes everyone else to their destination, while we are left emotionally, physically and mentally drained at the station. Why can’t we be all of that but at the same time look after ourselves and jump on the train as well?

Most people just want to be happy, but what does that mean?

Right now, at this moment I am sitting in amongst the most gorgeous surroundings armed with my laptop and a coffee. I have just come from a two hour massage and spa treatment. I feel relaxed, rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. The air is clean, the greenery is stunning and I am by myself. My daughter is spending quality time with her father, Jon is at work, the house is clean and I am happy. Now. In this exact moment.

Happiness is a feeling that requires so much more than right now. We all have moments where RIGHT NOW, we are happy. But then you leave the gorgeous surroundings, the relaxation leaves your body, the house gets filthy again, your child won’t eat her dinner, the bills arrive, you go back to work, your partner starts doing your head in and all of a sudden you find yourself back to the same old shit, willing your mind to retreat back to that exact moment when you were happy.

Life surely does not need to be this way. Surely we can be positive all of the time, content and stress free. Happy. Surely we don’t need to be on a constant holiday, getting massages and spa treatments, drinking coffee and being alone to achieve it.

I believe every single person’s version of happiness is different. Striving to be happy is impossible if you don’t explore the meaning of happiness to you.

For me, happiness is being there all of the time for my child, physically and mentally, being the best Mum I can be, being my own boss, making my own decisions, being the best partner I can be to Jon, financial freedom and exploring everything life has to offer with my family. For me it is all about enjoyment. I want to enjoy every experience, live life to the fullest, see amazing things and give my daughter the best memories and life that I can.

I challenge you all to STOP! Think about what you want. Start planning the steps on how you will get there. Realise you are a person with hopes and dreams. Be an inspiration to the people around you and do it. I encourage you to start small, today. Start by doing something just for you, everyday. May it be going for a walk, taking a bath, meditation, reading a chapter of your favourite book or catching up with a friend. Doing this once a day will start to form a habit. Once you are in the habit of making and taking time, you can start to implement more productive tasks to get you closer to your goal.

It has taken me almost 33 years to realise my dreams and to understand that no body is going to hand them to me. It has taken me this long to forgo the fear of taking a chance and chase my happiness because I have finally come to the conclusion that the only person that can stop me is me.

And I’m not stopping.