What you never imagined could happen in a million years can actually happen in a millisecond and turn everything you thought you knew to shit.

Four weeks ago I came across some information that did just that. I learned that the person I had been in a relationship with for almost four years was someone I didn’t even know and was capable of doing things that no one would ever have expected or imagined.

Initially the anger took hold of me and I ended the union. There was so much rage directed at him and the situation and that rage overshadowed any other feeling. I haven’t yet been able to feel upset or sad at the betrayal because I just can’t. People are free to make their own choices, even if it is at the expense of others.

Our relationship was one of so much struggle and the energy it took to remain together was something that eventually had broken me. The last few months together were miserable. I can’t even remember the last time I had told him I loved him. There were a few incidences throughout our relationship that had made me question the person I had fallen in love with. I had lost respect for him and I didn’t know how to fix it. I had just found myself at a point where I was so emotionally and mentally drained that I had literally shutdown. I had nothing left to give. I believe I had been subconsciously mourning the death of the relationship whilst being in it.

So within an hour of me learning of this information, we parted ways. There was no apology and no compassion. It wouldn’t have changed anything anyway but it might have been nice to know that I meant something in the time we had shared together.

That day I had to conjure up the strength to explain to my daughter that she was never going to see him again. That was pretty hard but she is a tough cookie and she understood, as best as a five year old can understand. She believes I made him leave because he didn’t clean the toilet. Oh to be five again.

She still asks about him and asks if we can visit him but I’m sure that will pass. I have made a point of being super, duper happy and positive around her which really is not much different to how I am feeling anyway.

I find that the people around me are waiting for me to break or cry and scream but it won’t happen. Behaving that way will not achieve anything. On one hand I am actually grateful that it happened when it did and how it did. It was a clean break without the mess of crying, begging, heartfelt apologies and the empty promise of change. On the other hand, my ego has been slightly bruised but I’ll be ok. There is still a little bit of anger but more so because I have wasted precious time.

This is life, as I am told… repeatedly.

The hardest part has been seeing friends and family and having to deal with the questions. I actually hate talking about it. Speaking about the situation just brings back the anger and makes me feel like shit for a while. I have been avoiding some social gatherings because I seriously cannot deal with anyone asking about it. I know this will get easier but for the moment I just need to not put myself in that situation.

My friends and family have been very supportive and although they are still in shock, they help with boosting my self esteem and confidence. I am grateful that I am surrounded by so many beautiful people who care so much about my wellbeing and mental state.

I have not been accustomed to being alone and it has been quite an adjustment. The nights when my daughter is at her Dad’s house have been a little bit strange. I have found myself sitting around and thinking a lot of the time, not about him or the situation but more about what I should be doing with my life, where I want to be and how to get there. For a while there, due to the miserable state I was in, I had lost all motivation, inspiration and drive. I had totally forgone my goals and aspirations. This just added to the misery.

Four weeks on, I have a new sense of motivation, I realise that my life was being held back by a person who had no aspirations or life goals. I am now free to pursue anything I want in life and know that it is purely and entirely up to me and me only. It is a nice yet scary feeling.

I have never been one to let unfortunate situations get me down and I am not about to start. I will embrace this change and focus on creating an amazing life for me and my child. I have an overwhelming feeling of weightlessness which proves that this is a positive step in my existence.

Life is once again exciting and uncertain. I have grasped the notion that anything is possible and that I control my destiny and no one else.

Even after this very unfortunate experience, I still haven’t given up hope that one day someone will enter my life and just love me for who I am and will want nothing more than to build an amazing life with me and my daughter. No bullshit, no games and no lies. Here’s hoping.