Category: Relationships

It’s Just a Little Crush

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I had my first crush on a boy at the tender age of four. His name was Stephen. He was the cutest little boy and would pick daisies for me on the way to Kinder and present them to me in front of everyone. He would embarrass the absolute shit out of me but secretly I loved the attention. After that year ended, I never saw him again and my little four-year old heart was broken.

Primary school saw a few more little crushes but none that really affected me too much.

High school is where things got way more intense. I had a crush on my best friend’s brother for about two years. Robert was a year older than me and he was the bee’s knees. I followed him around the school like a bad smell. My friends were all in on it and would keep me updated regularly on his whereabouts. One day I headed to the back of the school as he had been witnessed hanging around there. When I arrived I saw him kissing a girl from his year level. My soul was crushed. I don’t think to this day I have ever felt such total devastation. I felt the worst form of betrayal. I was sick to my stomach for days and couldn’t even consume food. I was so utterly disgusted in him that I could not even look him in the eye. It took me a while to get over that but eventually I composed myself and was able to carry on with life.

Over the next year or so we became friends, well I guess you could call it that. He would sometimes walk with me and my friends to the train station and sometimes he would even catch the train with us. These times were by far the best of my life.              

I think he started to catch on to my intense crush on him and like most men to follow, decided to fuck with my brain and my heart.

All of a sudden he became quite touchy, feely. He would put his arm around me or put me in a head lock and once he even shared his drink with me. I was so totally obsessed.

This went on for some time. At one stage there was even a rumour going around that he liked me. HOLY SHIT!! I think the day I heard it I died for a few seconds or at least had a stroke.

This went on until one day Robert caught the train with me home from school. He sat opposite me. For the first ten minutes he stared into my eyes. I knew I was burning up and probably the colour of beetroot but I didn’t care. This was going to be the moment that he declared his undying love for me. We were going to get married and I was going to have his children and we would live together, happily for ever and ever and ever.

So many fantasies were playing in my head. The moment was coming, I could feel it with every fibre of my being. The way he was looking at me left no doubt whatsoever. He was going to say the words I had been so desperately dying to hear.

At that moment, he opened his mouth and said my name. I legitimately almost pissed my pants with excitement. He leaned forward, motioning me so subtly to do the same. I reciprocated trying to control my breathing. He got very close to my face and seductively licked his lips. All that was running through my mind was fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck… he is going to kiss me. I had never kissed a boy before. I could feel myself starting to hyperventilate. I closed my eyes and begged myself to calm the fuck down. I didn’t want to blow this amazingly awesome moment that was about to happen. When I opened my eyes he was smiling at me and he lent a tad further. OK this is it I told myself. My lips parted, my heart was racing a million miles per hour. He leaned in a bit more and said “You have a moustache”. Then be burst into laughter.

And I wonder why I’m so fucked up. Needless to say I jumped off at the next station and walked and cried the whole way home. When I got home I waxed my moustache and cried some more.

I avoided him like the plague after that and eventually he left school.

Finally I grew up and stopped the crushing nonsense. Or so I thought.

Just recently I think it has happened to me again.

The concept that I have a crush at my age is actually destroying my brain. I’m too old for this crap but it is happening and I just can’t seem to stop it. I have all the classic symptoms, nervous sweats, inability to string a sentence together around him, stumbling over my own feet, literal freak outs when I see him and the increase of hyperventilation. I am actually fucking appalled at myself because this guy is a bit of a wank job but it just doesn’t matter how much I pep talk myself, I see him and turn into a strange noise muttering, maniacal, blob of shit.

I have even gone to the point of hiding like a ninja from him. I’m a fucking grown ass woman and I hide to avoid him seeing me. When did my life take such a devastating downward turn?

I guess one thing has changed though. My life experience has taught me a few things and I think if this guy was to tell me I have a moustache, I would punch him square in the face and he would be the one crying.

I am sure this will pass and it is just a silly phase but until then I will develop my ever evolving ninja skills, continue deep breathing, practice stringing a sentence together or at least two syllables and try not to trip over my own feet when he is in a five metre radius of me.

Fuck. My. Life.

Sophia x - signature

Social Media – The Death of Trust

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These days, social media forms a large basis of people’s lives. In the way that they communicate, the way they keep in touch with the world and in the way they keep tabs on other peoples lives.

I feel like technology has moved quicker than our consciousness has and we aren’t emotionally equipped yet to deal with the information overload that comes with social media.

Almost every platform now has the ability for private message, thus no longer needing to trade phone numbers. With adding someone on a social media platform you have the ability to look and gain a feel for that person’s life before even deciding to communicate.

I for one have always been very hesitant to give out my phone number. I have had the same number since I was 18 and I don’t want to have to get to a point where I have given it to the wrong person, therefore having to change it. So for me, social media is a fantastic starting point. If I come across someone annoying, the block function becomes my best friend.

This has its advantages as you can begin to gauge the person’s lifestyle and interests and from there discover a common ground. The ability to view mutual friends is also another major advantage.

I personally believe that the initial start-up of a relationship via social media is a smart way to go about it. The disadvantages come later, once the relationship is flowing.

I am across pretty much every social media platform. I have made it my business to learn the capabilities of any form that I have an account attached to. This is because I am very intrigued with it all and how it is affecting society. I grew up in an era where this was non-existent. I was almost at the end of my secondary education when we first got the internet at home. Social media exploded when I was in my early twenties and I was hooked immediately. I found it utterly amazing and a fantastic way to stay in touch with friends and family.

But I also discovered that social media also has another side to it, the ever-present stalking side.

We now have the ability to access an array of information about a person and this can become detrimental to a relationship.

We are at a point in society where relationships aren’t as strong and long-lasting as they once were. This is due to the fact that we are more conscious of our own happiness and although we want to find that ONE person to spend our lives with, we are constantly striving for bigger and better things. We no longer feel the need to put up with shit because as everyone says: ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea’. If this current fish is no good, we will find another. Too often we believe that the grass is greener elsewhere and perhaps don’t put in as much effort to grow the grass in our own backyard.

For some people this will leave a string of broken relationships and a severely altered and fragile emotional state. A lot of these severed relationships end because of some form of betrayal, in many forms, on either part. This tends to fuck up the bit of the brain where trust is held allowing ill-informed or basically stupid decisions to take place. One of these stupid decisions is using social media platforms to keep tabs on or stalk your significant other.

If you are a part of the broken portion of society, you will meet someone, you will add each other on which ever social media platform you choose. Communication will flow and you will exchange numbers. The texting starts only, all of a sudden they do not reply in an acceptable amount of time. You then jump straight online and see that they are in fact online or they have been in the last few minutes. First thought is ‘mother fucker can go online but can’t reply to my text’. I wont lie and say that has never happened to me. Many times my ex boyfriend would text me in the afternoon saying sorry that he hasn’t spoken to me all day but work has been hectic. I’d only noticed that he had been online majority of the day. So you got time for that but not to see how my day is going? It is so pathetic when you think about it but that is how we have evolved because we now have access to that information so easily.

From there the stalking gets a bit deeper. Using an additional platform you start to check who’s pics they are liking and God forbid they like some random bitches selfie. You have the internal battle with yourself because you don’t want to start shit by bringing it up but you can’t help thinking WHY, why would he like that bitches selfie? The why turns into ‘they must be fucking’ because, lets face it, why else. Gone is the logical thinking. Irrationality becomes the norm.

That brings me to a very popular platform. The one with the ability to send a pic knowing it will disappear after the allocated time.

Clearly this was created with dick pics in mind. Why would you take a picture and send it to someone knowing they can only view it for a few seconds unless it is of your genitalia?

Years back when you had the ability to view people’s best friends I had a moment where I lost my shit. My ex and I would send a few pics here and there, nothing too exciting but one day I noticed that I wasn’t number one on his top friends list, another female was. I almost had a stroke when I saw it. I lost my fucking mind which ended up turning into a massive fight. He promised it was innocent but I never forgot about it.

Now with the addition of Nearby Friends on the most popular platform you can see how far away in kilometres someone is… having that ability can be so detrimental to ones mental health. I fear with future updates and a multitude of new platforms we will slowly turn into a trust-less and paranoid society even more so than what we already are.

As much as we do not want to be checking up on others, especially those we are in a romantic relationship with, it has become too easy. The temptation is one that is hard to ignore. Our choice is to either learn to ignore it or be emotionally stable enough to have complete trust in another being.

One thing is for sure, the next person I choose to be in a relationship with better have been living in a cave prior to meeting me, and not even know what the internet is if we are to have a happy and healthy relationship.

Sophia x - signature

Fate or Asshollery

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Throughout life we will all be faced with challenging situations. Some will lead to greatness, some will teach you valuable lessons and some will leave you thinking What The Fuck???

Once upon a time I wholeheartedly believed that everything happened for a reason but these days I am much more of a skeptic on that subject.

The last few months have been difficult and very trying on my soul. Shit, life altering situations have occurred, people have come in and walked out of my life and I have been faced with challenges. I do not feel that any of what has happened recently has led me to greatness nor do I feel I am any wiser or have learnt any life lessons but I have said and thought What The Fuck on an almost hourly basis.

I have began to ponder the notion that perhaps things don’t happen for a reason. Maybe there is no predetermined course to lead us towards some ordained grand destiny. Maybe things happen because sometimes people are assholes and sometimes you just happen to get caught up in their asshollery. Sometimes there are no lessons to be learned, just shit luck to deal with.

I’m starting to see that our belief of fate is just a coping mechanism for us to be able to come to terms with the shit that gets thrown at us and so we don’t have to come to the realisation that shit happens for no reason other than some people are assholes who like to shit on everyone around them, not for any particular reason except that they can.

Looking at my life and because it is the only thing I can really comment on, I can truthfully say majority of what has happened hasn’t really happened for any particular reason or lead to another turn of events that has proven otherwise to me.

I was previously someone who looked and thought so much into everything and tried to make sense and have an understanding of all the situations that have occurred. I feel as though this sense of thinking and living has helped to contribute to the bullshit as I talk myself into believing that this situation is happening for a reason or this person has entered my life for a reason. I will then focus on the signs; more like coincidences that force me to believe that what I am thinking; more hoping is correct and I will then believe I am on the right path.

Let us take look at a recent situation that I have dealt with… my relationship ending because of lies and betrayal. Did this happen for a grander reason or just that he is an asshole and I just happened to be the unlucky person to be caught up in that. If it was for a grander reason what did I get out of it? Yes, it is a blessing because I would never want someone with characteristics like that in my life but then why did it happen in the first place?

I poured blood, sweat and tears… so many tears, into that relationship, I put up with so much crap because I loved him, for what exactly? Did I learn anything? Honestly no. This has not made me any wiser. It has only made me bitter and untrusting of everything and everyone. All of it was absolutely pointless and a complete waste of my time. This situation did not serve me in any way so this could have not possibly happened for any other reason than I just happened to get caught up in some asshole’s asshollery.

Now on to another example… through a professional encounter I once met a man. I will admit I did initially fancy the look of him and throughout the half hour conversation I did wonder what he looked like under the suit he was wearing. Seeing as I am human I think this is pretty normal.

After leaving the meeting, I didn’t give him another thought. But he clearly thought about me.

The weeks after that were filled with phone calls, text messages and the like, all initiated by him. I did begin to fancy him on more than a physical level but the situation was complicated as I was in a relationship at the time.

Due to us both working on a project together we were having to see each other on a very regular basis. I honestly thought once this project was complete I would not see him or speak to him again and he would just be forgotten. I put this down to a phase.

I conversed with him more than anyone else around that time. I became so comfortable with him so quickly and confided so many personal things to him. He was so caring and sweet and really looked out for my wellbeing. Slowly I began to look at the signs and come to the conclusion that he had stumbled into my life for a reason. It was too odd that this random person would walk into my life and make such an impact. If soul mates were a thing, we would have been it. It just blew my mind that we understood each other and had so much in common. I felt that we were so compatible in so many ways.

We remained fairly close and in time my complication disappeared. We began to pursue the prospect properly and see where it would lead.

Again, the fucking signs and belief of fate took over. The more I thought about it the more I realised that this person ticked all the boxes and although there were a few things I was a bit unimpressed with, they were overshadowed by the things I was super impressed with. I thought things were coming along quite well. Until I stopped hearing from him the 25 times a day that I had become quite accustomed to. Within a couple of weeks, the contact had dwindled down to one text message and within a few days from that it had become no contact at all. From the lack of contact, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that something was amiss. I over analysed the situation as I do so very well and still couldn’t work out what I had done wrong or what had gone wrong. I was angry because I hadn’t pursued him in the slightest, he had pursued me. I eventually asked the question and was told he basically just wasn’t feeling it. I found it very odd that a person can go from hot to cold so quickly. Clearly someone else had caught his eye or the chase wasn’t as exciting anymore. Regardless, the entire situation had become pointless. Why would someone randomly come into my life, blow my mind and then fuck right off? And so, that was that, something I had honestly believed had so much purpose, done in the blink of an eye.

Again I pose the question, what was the reason this happened? Did I learn anything? Am I a better person for it? Fuck no. Just another instance of being caught up in someone else’s asshollery.

Many years ago I met a man, he was gorgeous, successful and so very into me. He charmed me and had me floating on air. He would take me out to the most fantastically romantic places and we would have the most amazing conversations. One night whilst in his bed, encased in his arms we began talking about our most favourite things. It was like a dream, something you read about in books. He turned towards me and looked deep into my eyes and told me that he thought I was the one. All of a sudden he jumped out of bed and ran over to the window and proceeded to move the curtains aside to peek outside. I asked what he was doing and he explained that he had heard a car. I was a bit confused… he lived on a street with a road, cars do drive on roads…

He then turned to me and said he had something to tell me. My heart sank. He sat on the bed beside me and explained that he had a girlfriend but he didn’t like her and wanted to break up with her but he didn’t know how to.

For fuck sake, who does that?? Of course I left and ignored his phone calls and messages until he got the point and left me alone. What The Fuck!!!

What did I learn? For what grand reason did this happen? Am I a better person for it? Fuck no.

The sad thing is I could go on and on with pointless experiences that have served absolutely no purpose. The only thing that each of the situations have caused is bitterness, pain and a severe form of lost self-esteem and confidence. I am now at a point where I can no longer allow myself to feel anything for anyone. These idiots that have come into my life from absolutely no where solely just to fuck with me have taken the sense of fun and excitement out of that part of my life. I have no faith, trust or energy for this bullshit anymore. I am done.

So in conclusion there have been no valuable life lessons gained, no greatness achieved and no purpose fulfilled. It has all just been instances where I have been the subject of another asshole’s asshollery.

For now, I will continue to shake my head in bewilderment whilst whispering What The Fuck?? to myself every hour, on the hour until something proves me wrong.

Sophia x - signature

An Unexpected Direction

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What you never imagined could happen in a million years can actually happen in a millisecond and turn everything you thought you knew to shit.

Four weeks ago I came across some information that did just that. I learned that the person I had been in a relationship with for almost four years was someone I didn’t even know and was capable of doing things that no one would ever have expected or imagined.

Initially the anger took hold of me and I ended the union. There was so much rage directed at him and the situation and that rage overshadowed any other feeling. I haven’t yet been able to feel upset or sad at the betrayal because I just can’t. People are free to make their own choices, even if it is at the expense of others.

Our relationship was one of so much struggle and the energy it took to remain together was something that eventually had broken me. The last few months together were miserable. I can’t even remember the last time I had told him I loved him. There were a few incidences throughout our relationship that had made me question the person I had fallen in love with. I had lost respect for him and I didn’t know how to fix it. I had just found myself at a point where I was so emotionally and mentally drained that I had literally shutdown. I had nothing left to give. I believe I had been subconsciously mourning the death of the relationship whilst being in it.

So within an hour of me learning of this information, we parted ways. There was no apology and no compassion. It wouldn’t have changed anything anyway but it might have been nice to know that I meant something in the time we had shared together.

That day I had to conjure up the strength to explain to my daughter that she was never going to see him again. That was pretty hard but she is a tough cookie and she understood, as best as a five year old can understand. She believes I made him leave because he didn’t clean the toilet. Oh to be five again.

She still asks about him and asks if we can visit him but I’m sure that will pass. I have made a point of being super, duper happy and positive around her which really is not much different to how I am feeling anyway.

I find that the people around me are waiting for me to break or cry and scream but it won’t happen. Behaving that way will not achieve anything. On one hand I am actually grateful that it happened when it did and how it did. It was a clean break without the mess of crying, begging, heartfelt apologies and the empty promise of change. On the other hand, my ego has been slightly bruised but I’ll be ok. There is still a little bit of anger but more so because I have wasted precious time.

This is life, as I am told… repeatedly.

The hardest part has been seeing friends and family and having to deal with the questions. I actually hate talking about it. Speaking about the situation just brings back the anger and makes me feel like shit for a while. I have been avoiding some social gatherings because I seriously cannot deal with anyone asking about it. I know this will get easier but for the moment I just need to not put myself in that situation.

My friends and family have been very supportive and although they are still in shock, they help with boosting my self esteem and confidence. I am grateful that I am surrounded by so many beautiful people who care so much about my wellbeing and mental state.

I have not been accustomed to being alone and it has been quite an adjustment. The nights when my daughter is at her Dad’s house have been a little bit strange. I have found myself sitting around and thinking a lot of the time, not about him or the situation but more about what I should be doing with my life, where I want to be and how to get there. For a while there, due to the miserable state I was in, I had lost all motivation, inspiration and drive. I had totally forgone my goals and aspirations. This just added to the misery.

Four weeks on, I have a new sense of motivation, I realise that my life was being held back by a person who had no aspirations or life goals. I am now free to pursue anything I want in life and know that it is purely and entirely up to me and me only. It is a nice yet scary feeling.

I have never been one to let unfortunate situations get me down and I am not about to start. I will embrace this change and focus on creating an amazing life for me and my child. I have an overwhelming feeling of weightlessness which proves that this is a positive step in my existence.

Life is once again exciting and uncertain. I have grasped the notion that anything is possible and that I control my destiny and no one else.

Even after this very unfortunate experience, I still haven’t given up hope that one day someone will enter my life and just love me for who I am and will want nothing more than to build an amazing life with me and my daughter. No bullshit, no games and no lies. Here’s hoping.

Sophia x - signature