Tag: 2016

Fate or Asshollery

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Throughout life we will all be faced with challenging situations. Some will lead to greatness, some will teach you valuable lessons and some will leave you thinking What The Fuck???

Once upon a time I wholeheartedly believed that everything happened for a reason but these days I am much more of a skeptic on that subject.

The last few months have been difficult and very trying on my soul. Shit, life altering situations have occurred, people have come in and walked out of my life and I have been faced with challenges. I do not feel that any of what has happened recently has led me to greatness nor do I feel I am any wiser or have learnt any life lessons but I have said and thought What The Fuck on an almost hourly basis.

I have began to ponder the notion that perhaps things don’t happen for a reason. Maybe there is no predetermined course to lead us towards some ordained grand destiny. Maybe things happen because sometimes people are assholes and sometimes you just happen to get caught up in their asshollery. Sometimes there are no lessons to be learned, just shit luck to deal with.

I’m starting to see that our belief of fate is just a coping mechanism for us to be able to come to terms with the shit that gets thrown at us and so we don’t have to come to the realisation that shit happens for no reason other than some people are assholes who like to shit on everyone around them, not for any particular reason except that they can.

Looking at my life and because it is the only thing I can really comment on, I can truthfully say majority of what has happened hasn’t really happened for any particular reason or lead to another turn of events that has proven otherwise to me.

I was previously someone who looked and thought so much into everything and tried to make sense and have an understanding of all the situations that have occurred. I feel as though this sense of thinking and living has helped to contribute to the bullshit as I talk myself into believing that this situation is happening for a reason or this person has entered my life for a reason. I will then focus on the signs; more like coincidences that force me to believe that what I am thinking; more hoping is correct and I will then believe I am on the right path.

Let us take look at a recent situation that I have dealt with… my relationship ending because of lies and betrayal. Did this happen for a grander reason or just that he is an asshole and I just happened to be the unlucky person to be caught up in that. If it was for a grander reason what did I get out of it? Yes, it is a blessing because I would never want someone with characteristics like that in my life but then why did it happen in the first place?

I poured blood, sweat and tears… so many tears, into that relationship, I put up with so much crap because I loved him, for what exactly? Did I learn anything? Honestly no. This has not made me any wiser. It has only made me bitter and untrusting of everything and everyone. All of it was absolutely pointless and a complete waste of my time. This situation did not serve me in any way so this could have not possibly happened for any other reason than I just happened to get caught up in some asshole’s asshollery.

Now on to another example… through a professional encounter I once met a man. I will admit I did initially fancy the look of him and throughout the half hour conversation I did wonder what he looked like under the suit he was wearing. Seeing as I am human I think this is pretty normal.

After leaving the meeting, I didn’t give him another thought. But he clearly thought about me.

The weeks after that were filled with phone calls, text messages and the like, all initiated by him. I did begin to fancy him on more than a physical level but the situation was complicated as I was in a relationship at the time.

Due to us both working on a project together we were having to see each other on a very regular basis. I honestly thought once this project was complete I would not see him or speak to him again and he would just be forgotten. I put this down to a phase.

I conversed with him more than anyone else around that time. I became so comfortable with him so quickly and confided so many personal things to him. He was so caring and sweet and really looked out for my wellbeing. Slowly I began to look at the signs and come to the conclusion that he had stumbled into my life for a reason. It was too odd that this random person would walk into my life and make such an impact. If soul mates were a thing, we would have been it. It just blew my mind that we understood each other and had so much in common. I felt that we were so compatible in so many ways.

We remained fairly close and in time my complication disappeared. We began to pursue the prospect properly and see where it would lead.

Again, the fucking signs and belief of fate took over. The more I thought about it the more I realised that this person ticked all the boxes and although there were a few things I was a bit unimpressed with, they were overshadowed by the things I was super impressed with. I thought things were coming along quite well. Until I stopped hearing from him the 25 times a day that I had become quite accustomed to. Within a couple of weeks, the contact had dwindled down to one text message and within a few days from that it had become no contact at all. From the lack of contact, it didn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that something was amiss. I over analysed the situation as I do so very well and still couldn’t work out what I had done wrong or what had gone wrong. I was angry because I hadn’t pursued him in the slightest, he had pursued me. I eventually asked the question and was told he basically just wasn’t feeling it. I found it very odd that a person can go from hot to cold so quickly. Clearly someone else had caught his eye or the chase wasn’t as exciting anymore. Regardless, the entire situation had become pointless. Why would someone randomly come into my life, blow my mind and then fuck right off? And so, that was that, something I had honestly believed had so much purpose, done in the blink of an eye.

Again I pose the question, what was the reason this happened? Did I learn anything? Am I a better person for it? Fuck no. Just another instance of being caught up in someone else’s asshollery.

Many years ago I met a man, he was gorgeous, successful and so very into me. He charmed me and had me floating on air. He would take me out to the most fantastically romantic places and we would have the most amazing conversations. One night whilst in his bed, encased in his arms we began talking about our most favourite things. It was like a dream, something you read about in books. He turned towards me and looked deep into my eyes and told me that he thought I was the one. All of a sudden he jumped out of bed and ran over to the window and proceeded to move the curtains aside to peek outside. I asked what he was doing and he explained that he had heard a car. I was a bit confused… he lived on a street with a road, cars do drive on roads…

He then turned to me and said he had something to tell me. My heart sank. He sat on the bed beside me and explained that he had a girlfriend but he didn’t like her and wanted to break up with her but he didn’t know how to.

For fuck sake, who does that?? Of course I left and ignored his phone calls and messages until he got the point and left me alone. What The Fuck!!!

What did I learn? For what grand reason did this happen? Am I a better person for it? Fuck no.

The sad thing is I could go on and on with pointless experiences that have served absolutely no purpose. The only thing that each of the situations have caused is bitterness, pain and a severe form of lost self-esteem and confidence. I am now at a point where I can no longer allow myself to feel anything for anyone. These idiots that have come into my life from absolutely no where solely just to fuck with me have taken the sense of fun and excitement out of that part of my life. I have no faith, trust or energy for this bullshit anymore. I am done.

So in conclusion there have been no valuable life lessons gained, no greatness achieved and no purpose fulfilled. It has all just been instances where I have been the subject of another asshole’s asshollery.

For now, I will continue to shake my head in bewilderment whilst whispering What The Fuck?? to myself every hour, on the hour until something proves me wrong.

Sophia x - signature

An Unexpected Direction

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What you never imagined could happen in a million years can actually happen in a millisecond and turn everything you thought you knew to shit.

Four weeks ago I came across some information that did just that. I learned that the person I had been in a relationship with for almost four years was someone I didn’t even know and was capable of doing things that no one would ever have expected or imagined.

Initially the anger took hold of me and I ended the union. There was so much rage directed at him and the situation and that rage overshadowed any other feeling. I haven’t yet been able to feel upset or sad at the betrayal because I just can’t. People are free to make their own choices, even if it is at the expense of others.

Our relationship was one of so much struggle and the energy it took to remain together was something that eventually had broken me. The last few months together were miserable. I can’t even remember the last time I had told him I loved him. There were a few incidences throughout our relationship that had made me question the person I had fallen in love with. I had lost respect for him and I didn’t know how to fix it. I had just found myself at a point where I was so emotionally and mentally drained that I had literally shutdown. I had nothing left to give. I believe I had been subconsciously mourning the death of the relationship whilst being in it.

So within an hour of me learning of this information, we parted ways. There was no apology and no compassion. It wouldn’t have changed anything anyway but it might have been nice to know that I meant something in the time we had shared together.

That day I had to conjure up the strength to explain to my daughter that she was never going to see him again. That was pretty hard but she is a tough cookie and she understood, as best as a five year old can understand. She believes I made him leave because he didn’t clean the toilet. Oh to be five again.

She still asks about him and asks if we can visit him but I’m sure that will pass. I have made a point of being super, duper happy and positive around her which really is not much different to how I am feeling anyway.

I find that the people around me are waiting for me to break or cry and scream but it won’t happen. Behaving that way will not achieve anything. On one hand I am actually grateful that it happened when it did and how it did. It was a clean break without the mess of crying, begging, heartfelt apologies and the empty promise of change. On the other hand, my ego has been slightly bruised but I’ll be ok. There is still a little bit of anger but more so because I have wasted precious time.

This is life, as I am told… repeatedly.

The hardest part has been seeing friends and family and having to deal with the questions. I actually hate talking about it. Speaking about the situation just brings back the anger and makes me feel like shit for a while. I have been avoiding some social gatherings because I seriously cannot deal with anyone asking about it. I know this will get easier but for the moment I just need to not put myself in that situation.

My friends and family have been very supportive and although they are still in shock, they help with boosting my self esteem and confidence. I am grateful that I am surrounded by so many beautiful people who care so much about my wellbeing and mental state.

I have not been accustomed to being alone and it has been quite an adjustment. The nights when my daughter is at her Dad’s house have been a little bit strange. I have found myself sitting around and thinking a lot of the time, not about him or the situation but more about what I should be doing with my life, where I want to be and how to get there. For a while there, due to the miserable state I was in, I had lost all motivation, inspiration and drive. I had totally forgone my goals and aspirations. This just added to the misery.

Four weeks on, I have a new sense of motivation, I realise that my life was being held back by a person who had no aspirations or life goals. I am now free to pursue anything I want in life and know that it is purely and entirely up to me and me only. It is a nice yet scary feeling.

I have never been one to let unfortunate situations get me down and I am not about to start. I will embrace this change and focus on creating an amazing life for me and my child. I have an overwhelming feeling of weightlessness which proves that this is a positive step in my existence.

Life is once again exciting and uncertain. I have grasped the notion that anything is possible and that I control my destiny and no one else.

Even after this very unfortunate experience, I still haven’t given up hope that one day someone will enter my life and just love me for who I am and will want nothing more than to build an amazing life with me and my daughter. No bullshit, no games and no lies. Here’s hoping.

Sophia x - signature

 

A Time For Change

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It has finally happened.

I have had to take a good, hard look at myself, my lifestyle and my mental state and make a change.

I have been so sick, with what started off as the flu and has just never fully left my body. I am going on the ninth week now and I’m officially sick of being sick.

After about the first 6 weeks the painful coughing, headaches and congestion had subsided and I felt fantastic, for about a day, then I got sick again. I know that my getting sick is all due to the amount of stress I am put under and the stress I put myself under.

The stress of raising a daughter who I am constantly worrying about; am I raising her right, will she be scarred by me leaving her father when she was only a baby, will she resent me, is the custody arrangement affecting her, why are meal times so difficult, will she be bullied, will she meet the right man, will she live a fulfilling life and so on. Any parent can understand. I stress, worry and think about her every second of my life. I know most of the things I worry about are totally irrational and I know that whatever life throws her way she will never deal with it alone. Nevertheless, the worrying and stress never subsides. It is times like this that I totally understand and appreciate my Mum and her crazy, unrelenting worry about us kids.

The stress of my very demanding job; managing 40 staff, constantly motivating, training, coaching, hiring, firing, meeting targets, conducting meetings, running reports, collating figures, it takes a toll. My job doesn’t end. EVER. I am on call all of the time, I am checking figures all of the time, I am strategically planning ALL of the time. It is mentally draining.

The stress of running a household and being a friend, councillor, motivator and lover to my partner. Making sure the clothes are washed and dried, the house is respectable, my daughter has everything ready for school, Jon is happy and stress free, trying not to bring my work frustrations home (which on some days is nearly impossible), trying to make time to maintain my friendships, worrying about our financial status, maneuvering funds around to afford bills, food, lifestyle etc. stressing about our future, trying to plan our future, do we even have a future? It is overwhelming.

I have become well aware that the way I have been living and thinking is not only very unhealthy but very detrimental to my well being and everyone else around me. I have lacked the energy most days to perform the basic of tasks. The only thing that has driven me is that I know shit needs to get done. If it wasn’t for the child, the job and the household, I probably would have lived my life from my bedroom.

I have slowly come to the realisation that this is not what I want my life to be.  Lately I have been in the presence of people that are so energetic, lively and positive. These people have not a worry or stress in the world. Most of the time I just want to punch them in the face. More so because I want to be like that. I so badly want to be that person. Happy.

This has caused me to question my life, question where I want to be, how I will get there and how I want to feel about it.

The main hindrance I have found is the ease in which I get caught up in the negativity of life. Especially turning on the TV and watching the news or even logging on Facebook. There just seems to be so much sadness, despair, horrible acts, death and drama. I have made a conscious effort as of late to switch off from all of that. Mainly because I tend to take the negative feelings on. I can feel terrible for days about something that has happened to someone I don’t even know; in a place I have never been to. I guess it is not a bad trait but these feelings of dread, grief and sadness are not serving me. For someone who has been plagued with anxiety for a long time, any negative thought or experience, my experience or someone else’s, tends to manifest into the biggest drama ever known in my own mind.

I am even at the point of slowly eliminating toxic and negative people from my life. If I want to change my views, my mindset and my life, not only for my benefit but for those around me, I need to look after ME, my well being and my mental state.

Being a mum, a partner, a boss, a friend and a councillor takes up so much energy, physically, emotionally and mentally. So if I can’t be all those things and also be focused, energetic and positive, everything will eventually come crashing down. I know this is something so many of you can relate to. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed at times, under so much stress that the only solution to get through it is to just pack your shit and run away.

If you have had that thought process trust me, you are not alone. I strongly believe it starts and ends with you. You need to understand and appreciate what you are doing, how you are enriching the lives of those around you and how much they need you. But this in no way means that you should forget about yourself.

Have you ever stopped and asked yourself ‘what do I want?’

We all get so caught up in what everybody around us needs and wants that we tend to forget about ourselves. We slowly lose who we are and put ourselves at the end of the queue. We are no longer a real person with hopes and dreams. We become the train that takes everyone else to their destination, while we are left emotionally, physically and mentally drained at the station. Why can’t we be all of that but at the same time look after ourselves and jump on the train as well?

Most people just want to be happy, but what does that mean?

Right now, at this moment I am sitting in amongst the most gorgeous surroundings armed with my laptop and a coffee. I have just come from a two hour massage and spa treatment. I feel relaxed, rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. The air is clean, the greenery is stunning and I am by myself. My daughter is spending quality time with her father, Jon is at work, the house is clean and I am happy. Now. In this exact moment.

Happiness is a feeling that requires so much more than right now. We all have moments where RIGHT NOW, we are happy. But then you leave the gorgeous surroundings, the relaxation leaves your body, the house gets filthy again, your child won’t eat her dinner, the bills arrive, you go back to work, your partner starts doing your head in and all of a sudden you find yourself back to the same old shit, willing your mind to retreat back to that exact moment when you were happy.

Life surely does not need to be this way. Surely we can be positive all of the time, content and stress free. Happy. Surely we don’t need to be on a constant holiday, getting massages and spa treatments, drinking coffee and being alone to achieve it.

I believe every single person’s version of happiness is different. Striving to be happy is impossible if you don’t explore the meaning of happiness to you.

For me, happiness is being there all of the time for my child, physically and mentally, being the best Mum I can be, being my own boss, making my own decisions, being the best partner I can be to Jon, financial freedom and exploring everything life has to offer with my family. For me it is all about enjoyment. I want to enjoy every experience, live life to the fullest, see amazing things and give my daughter the best memories and life that I can.

I challenge you all to STOP! Think about what you want. Start planning the steps on how you will get there. Realise you are a person with hopes and dreams. Be an inspiration to the people around you and do it. I encourage you to start small, today. Start by doing something just for you, everyday. May it be going for a walk, taking a bath, meditation, reading a chapter of your favourite book or catching up with a friend. Doing this once a day will start to form a habit. Once you are in the habit of making and taking time, you can start to implement more productive tasks to get you closer to your goal.

It has taken me almost 33 years to realise my dreams and to understand that no body is going to hand them to me. It has taken me this long to forgo the fear of taking a chance and chase my happiness because I have finally come to the conclusion that the only person that can stop me is me.

And I’m not stopping.

Sophia x - signature

 

 

 

 

 

My Mum, My World

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Mother, is the name for god on the lips and hearts of all children.

This quote is from one of my favourite movies The Crow and the words have such meaning for me. My mum, to me and I’m sure the rest of my siblings is just that… God.

To celebrate Mother’s Day, I thought it would be a great gift and honour to introduce you all to my mum and explain why I think she is amazing.

My mum came from a fairly strict European family. Domestic violence was the norm from her parents and brothers on a regular occasion. She was married at age 16 and was pregnant with me at 17. I was born just after she turned 18 years old. My mum seemingly had left one hell and had found herself in another even worse hell, if that was even possible.

Her husband (my sperm donor) was exceptionally abusive and sadistic. He had betrayed my mother and their marital vows on many occasions. I believe, back then, she was too young and too naïve to fully understand how wrongly she was being treated but also, this lifestyle was all that she had known for her entire existence. I guess she had learned to accept it as a normal way of life.

Over the years she added another daughter and son to her brood. We were an extremely tight knit family, my mum and my siblings. I have very minimal memories of Mum’s husband being around. I don’t remember him being present for dinner or on special occasions. I only have one memory, and that is of us all going to the Zoo. On the way I fell over and he laughed at me, so I cried.

When I was 10 years old, my mum’s husband told her that he no longer wanted to be a father (no great loss as I don’t think he was much of one) or a husband and so would be moving back to his home country.

I vaguely recall the day he packed his belongings and left. Mum was so careful not to show us kids that she was scared. My mum had never lived alone as such and although us three were with her, she was now our sole protector.

A little while later she was contacted by the bank in regards to overdue mortgage payments. As far as she was aware, the house was paid off but it turns out that the sneaky bastard had taken out a loan against the house and had taken the money overseas with him. This just shows in a nutshell what a total piece of shit this man was. Not only did he leave his wife and three children and move to another country but also put them in absolute financial ruin. Top Bloke.

Mum had no choice but to put the house up for sale. This was a very scary and uncertain time. I was sort of old enough to understand what was happening and to understand the fear and uncertainty that came with it. I believe it was at this point that my anxiety started to develop (I’ll save the anxiety stories for another time).

The house sold quite quickly and Mum had to start to work out the next part of the plan. She managed to find the shittiest house in the absolute asshole of the universe, of course because the price was right and due to the extra funds taken out on the original house, she didn’t have a lot to work with. Once settlement had occurred, us kids were sent to my grand parent’s farm so Mum could work on the house and have it ready for us to move into.

I will never forget the day when Mum took me to the new house. Looking back, I feel bloody terrible. I will admit now that I had absolutely zero faith in her capabilities. The house was, in every sense of the word, fucked. Parts of the walls were missing, it was so small, so run down and in my eyes definitely not inhabitable. I tried to fight back the tears while Mum gave me the grand tour and explained in explicit detail, with such enthusiasm and positivity, what each room will look like once she was finished. All I could think was how? How was she going to do this all on her own? I was only 10 years old and clearly didn’t have a degree in building and construction but even I could see that this place needed much more than a paint job. I remember leaving the house thinking my mum was crazy and we were doomed. My grand mother had joined us on the tour and I remember her flipping out at my mum in Italian. I didn’t understand exactly what she was saying but my mum was visibly upset and as much as I didn’t understand exactly what was being screamed at her, I knew I agreed.

Shortly after, we were taken to my grand parent’s farm for an extended holiday. Mum would call us often and would come visit on the weekends. I can’t recall exactly how long we were there for. It honestly seemed like a lifetime but I’m sure it was only a few weeks. Every time we saw her she looked worse and worse. She had lost so much weight and seriously looked like death. I felt disconnected from her as I couldn’t understand what she was doing and I guess part of me resented her for leaving us. Clearly I was just a kid and didn’t understand much about life. I look back now and I feel like such an asshole.

The day finally came that Mum called to say she was coming to get us and take us home. I was ever so anxious and filled with absolute dread. We were accustomed to living quite well. We had a beautiful house once upon a time and we wanted for nothing. I felt like that part of my life was dead now and I was entering a new life. One of struggle and poverty in a broken house.

We finally arrived at our new place of residence. The journey had been long and draining. Mum and us three kids piled onto the front porch. I looked at my mum and as much as she looked like shit, withdrawn, so awfully skinny and dead tired, I noticed she had an air of pride about her. Again I was convinced this woman had lost her marbles. Looking around I noticed that the house looked slightly different from the outside but not much.

She swung open the door and we stepped in. All I could do was cry.

The house looked nothing like I had seen only a few weeks prior. The walls were fixed, plaster had been replaced and painted, the floors were nicely polished and the house had been extended out. My tiny mind was blown. I didn’t understand how this woman had managed to do all these things in that short span of time. I was so proud of my mum at that moment.

We spent the next few weeks settling in, getting back to school and into a normal routine.

One night, after my siblings had gone to bed I stayed up to hang with Mum. Some nights she would allow me to stay up a bit with her and we would feast on cheeses and cold meats whilst watching TV. This was our bonding time. It was on this night that she explained in great detail exactly what she had endured to get our lives back on track.

As it turns out, shortly after we had arrived at my grand parent’s farm, the local council had condemned the property. That involved even more work to get the house to a habitable status. My mum worked day and night, sometimes sleeping on the floor in quick spurts to be able to meet the deadline. Most of her family disowned her as they believed she was crazy and thought it best that we seek commission housing. She had very little money to pay anyone with so most of the work was done by her. She also explained that the help she did receive was from people that had heard about her situation and wanted to donate their time as they were so inspired by what she was doing. She absolutely busted her gut to be able to make something for her family. I thought I was proud of her before but at that moment, I believed she was God.

A year later she met a wonderful man who I can proudly call my Dad (I’ll save that introduction for Father’s Day) and basically lived happily ever after, with the addition of another son.

My mum has always devoted her life to her children. She has gone without so we can have more. She has always had time for us and absolutely drains all of us, still to this day with her constant stress and worrying about our wellbeing. She is my best friend and the first person I call for anything, good or bad. I constantly ask for her opinion on everything because I know that no one has my back like my mum. I know she will only ever give me the best advice because she only wants the best for me. I know my siblings feel the exact same way. My mum fought against the odds and made enemies with her family members and friends because they didn’t support or believe in her. She took a massive risk but I don’t believe she ever thought she might fail. The love, devotion and strength for her children is what made her succeed. I don’t believe there is anything on this earth my mother couldn’t or wouldn’t do for her family. She is the lioness of the pride, constantly ensuring our survival.

Now having a daughter of my own, I can only hope that I am even half the inspiring, devoted, strong woman that my mum is. I hope that one day my daughter feels the same way about me. My mum taught me values, respect, strength and unconditional love and that is what I try to instill in my daughter everyday.

And this is why, to me, my mum is a God.

To celebrate our mothers today, I would love to hear about the wonderful things your mum does.

Sophia x - signature